Trauma, what does it really mean?

Our first family portrait with my distant expression.

*Trigger alert: postpartum depression, birth trauma, cesarean, suicide

Let’s talk about postpartum depression (PPD) and trauma. This topic is not talked about enough. While I am not an expert in mental health, I do work with a lot of people during the postpartum time and I had my own postpartum journey.

I had a traumatic birth. I honestly haven’t called it a traumatic birth until recently. In fact, it wasn’t really until I read Kayleigh Summers blog: When Everything Falls Apart that I recognized it as traumatic.

The birth of my son was over 6 years ago. At the time, I was trying to be grateful that I had a healthy baby and I was “healthy”. I didn’t view it as traumatic because, while it wasn’t what I had envisioned or wanted, it was a standard c-section with no complications. I was able to hold my baby almost immediately and he latched in the surgery room. He never went to the NICU and I was in my own bed 1 night later with a quick hospital discharge.

6 years later, I am now beginning to address what I was shoving down and not talking about, or if I did talk about it, I just brushed it off like it was no big deal. My very supportive and caring husband, who also happened to be a nurse, assured me that I didn’t have postpartum depression because I could laugh and I had many moments of enjoying my life.

I didn’t realize I had postpartum depression after my first child until my second child was born 2 years later. PPD came rearing its head again, but this time it wasn’t going to go away until I addressed it. After I became suicidal, I worked with a phenomenal counselor, Alison, who helped me recognize my triggers. This work was essential to my healing. I worked with her for about a year.

Since working with Alison, I have continued to do personal work. While, I worked with her on my postpartum triggers, I didn’t do much work on what I had experienced during pregnancy.

I think the trauma (I originally put that word in quotation marks. That is how conditioned I am to not think my experience was traumatic) really started for me during pregnancy.

Ever since I can remember I was told that I would love being a mother. That motherhood is the best gift and joy. That I would feel an immediate connection to my baby. Well, the minute I found out I was pregnant, even though it was wanted, I felt scared. I felt like a part of me was taken away. I questioned who I was and what I wanted. I never once felt connected to the baby growing inside me. I felt resentful that it was changing my body, independence, and life.

I tried with every breath and inch of my body to love it. To feel connected to it. To be grateful that we were pregnant and were expecting a little one soon. I just couldn’t. I tried to talk about my experience and share what I was feeling. Everyone just brushed it off like it was no big deal and of course I didn’t feel connected, I just needed to meet it.

I was planning on a home birth. However, due to failure to progress (I am 99% sure it was because I hadn’t done what I knew I should do- pelvic floor PT, to help my pelvic floor relax), I was sent to the hospital and ended up with a c-section 3 hours later.

My baby immediately bonded with me. He latched right away. I remember holding him, looking at him suck away and feeling absolutely no connection to him. I cried. The people around me thought I was crying tears of joy and love. I was crying tears of loneliness and loss.

I didn’t feel the immediate connection to him. I wanted someone else to hold him, feed him, take care of him. I didn’t want it to be me.

I think we try to put trauma into a box. We try to say that only certain things are traumatic. However, at the end of the day, what is one person’s trauma might not be someone else’s. I heard a definition of trauma recently that really resonated with me: something that happened too fast, too soon. I love this definition.

I am telling you this story to let you know that whatever your experience has been, it is valid. You do not need to justify the way you feel. It is important to talk about your experiences and work through any trauma that you have when you are able to no matter what.

As a healthcare professional, I think the most important thing about our jobs is recognizing everyone for what they are experiencing and feeling no matter what. At Insight, all of the therapists are trained to acknowledge and recognize what someone is going through to be their own experience. It is not our job to change your experience. It is our job to hold space for your experience and to help you feel what you need to feel in order to allow your body to heal.

During this month of Maternal Mental Health Awareness, my hope is that everyone’s experience and feelings are acknowledged and accepted and that you are able to feel and grieve what you need to and how you need to.

If you are in need of a mental health expert please reach out to some of our favorites: IOME, Reclaim Therapy, Safe Haven Family Therapy, and PPF Counseling.